


Action Figures

by abstractconcept



Series: Toys [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: At least it's Snarry in Snape's head, Gen, Homage to Spaceballs, Humor, silliness, snarry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 23:28:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10501686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abstractconcept/pseuds/abstractconcept
Summary: After the war, Snape decides a hobby would help him relax.





	

**Author's Note:**

> NOTES: This is entirely asimplechord’s fault. She unknowingly brought forth a plot bunny from the depths of hell, or the depths of the 80s, anyway. CRACK!!! A total rip-off of Spaceballs, but it had to be written.  
> DISCLAIMER: Belongs to J.K. Rowling, etc. etc. And Mel Brooks did it first, I admit. But hey, the man’s a hero, so consider it a slashy homage.

Severus had the afternoon to himself. It had been a stressful morning, and he was ready to unwind. Glancing up at his closed door, he reached into his desk drawer and began pulling out figures, one at a time, setting them before him. He hadn’t meant to collect them, but someone misguided had offered him one of the first Potter figures made after the war, and then he’d discovered, to his shock, that there was a Severus Snape action figure being brought out as well, and his curiosity had overcome his reluctance _._ As for the others...they were therapeutic in their own ways.

He cleared his throat, holding his own figure up, as well as Potter’s. “So, Potter. At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way I want to.”

Imitating Harry’s desperate voice (not that the boy ever got that way, really) he said, “No. No, please, leave me alone.”

“No; you are mine.”

He brought the Ginny Weasley doll forward. Why they’d even made one based on her was unfathomable. She’d never done anything memorable during the war. In a slightly squeakier voice, he said, “Not so fast, Snape.”

“Miss Weasley.”

“Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my boyfriend. Hi, honey.”

Snape’s eyes narrowed, and he stated darkly, “Now you are going to die.”

“Oh, oh, ohhhh.” It was _very_ satisfying to remove the little hussy’s limbs.

He yanked forward another doll. “Hey, what did you do to my sister?”

“The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy.”

“Oh, ohhh.”

“And you, too.”

“Oh, ohh.” He threw the Hermione Granger figure to the floor.

With a smile, he turned his attention to the Potter figure again. “Now, Mr. Potter, at last we are alone.”

“No, no, go away, I hate you! And yet... I find you strangely attractive.”

With a soft laugh, Snape began using his regular voice again, if just _slightly_ deeper, to say, “Of course you do! Spoilt brats like you are often attracted to money and power, and I have both now, and you _know_ it!”

“No, no, leave me alone!”

“No, kiss me!”

“No! Stop!”

“Yes, yes!”

“Oh, oh, oh! Ohhhh, your wand is so big!”

Suddenly, Draco was in the room, and Snape threw himself across the desk, hiding the action figures with his body. “Sir, you’re needed upstairs!” Draco exclaimed.

**“** Knock on my door! Knock next time!”

“Yes, sir!”  
  


“Did you see anything?”  
  


“No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.”

“Good!” He waited until Draco was well away before slumping back in his chair again, gently putting the Potter figure back in its packaging, and the rest back in the drawer.

Severus stood and carefully smoothed his dishevelled hair and rumpled robes. “And they’re not dolls. They’re _action figures,_ ” he muttered sullenly. With a sudden realization, he smiled a nasty smile. _Potter’s figure will simply have to wait a little bit before it gets any action, that’s all._


End file.
